Being a farmer is hard. The last 2 weeks have been especially rough. Two weeks ago Monday, I had the usual monthly milk test day. (During this day the babies need to be separated from their moms for 24 hrs so I can track exactly how much milk they are producing and send in a sample to be tested for protein and butterfat content). What usually happens is the moms and babies scream for each other all day long, but the babies get bottle fed during this time and the mom sort of deal with it and everything is better after 24 hrs when they can all be reunited. That was the case with Roxie and Piper, but not the case with Maddie. She completely shut down. Emotionally she could not handle it. When I returned from work that day I saw that she had gone into a corner and laid there the whole day. Her udder was beautiful in the am after being apart from the babiesfor 12 hrs. For 2 years I have waited and hoped and prayed that she would freshened just as I was hoping her combination of genetics would. And she did! She had fabulous fore and rear udder extension and a beautiful wide rear udder (this picture doesn't do it justice as she wasn't in the mood for a pic that day so wasn't cooperating), perfect teat placement, nicely shaped medial...basically everything I could ever want in an udder on my goat. I couldn't believe I was so fortunate to have her in my barn.

But then everything changed.

By evening on milk test day, her udder was half as full as it should have been and the right side of her udder was very hard. This is often the first sign of mastitis. Most of my first fresheners (goats kidding for the first time) freshen with smaller teats and they stay small for a few weeks until the babies get bigger, then the teats start getting larger and easier for me to milk. Maddie's were very short and she would not drop down her milk for me in the morning. So, try as I might I could not get all of her milk out during test day. I know she had a gallon in there, but for milk test day she only gave me 3.8# total.

After I returned her babies to her, she was still very very depressed. Her appetite was low and she seemed lethargic. I checked her temp and it had spiked to 105.5. Normal for a goat is 101.5-103.5. I started her on infection fighting herbs and made sure her babies were nursing a lot to help clear up that right side of her udder. The following morning her temp was back down to normal range but the next few days her right side udder remained hard and her appetite kept dwindling. Nothing I was doing was working.

So the bad bacteria were getting killed but we now had a bigger problem. On Monday her right teat and part of her right side of her udder were turning black and blue. With this particular toxic mastitis, once the bacteria is killed, it releases this endotoxin that is even worse than the toxin itself. I can't remember exactly what the vet said, but it was something about it does something to the tissue that then cuts off circulation to the blood vessels in that area. The vet couldn't do anything for this. But I called my homeopath once again and homeopathy could. We switched to a different remedy and saw immediate results. Unfortunately we gave her an anti-inflammatory at this time too and that reversed the work of the remedy. (Actually, we gave her the shot when she was lying down and we couldn't see that the remedy had started helping; right after we gave the shot, she stood up and that was when we were able to see that the homeopathy had already helped tremendously in decreasing the inflammation.)

This week Maddie has regained strength, continued eating, and has starting producing milk again in the other side of her udder. She is out of the woods and will live. It has basically been a wait and see as to what will happen with the right side of her udder. Well, unfortunately I know now. The right side where the tissue was black and blue is starting to slough off from the udder. Sadly this includes her teat. I am pretty sure this means that she will never be able to have kids again. (If there is no teat to get milk out, how would she be able to have kids again because if that side fills up with milk after she gives birth there is no way of getting it out and mastitis would start all over again). For sure her future on milk test and linear appraisal are over.

I am heartbroken. I was elated that she freshened into such a beautiful milking doe and I was so excited for all that her future held.  I can't help but think if I did things differently she might still be fully functional. If only I had not cared about milk testing and kept her with the babies, if only I would have called my homeopath and the vet sooner, if only...

But now all my hopes and dreams for her have been shattered. I bought 4 does to start my herd. She was one of them. 25% of my herd is now out of production. What should have been a 10+ year career has ended after 1 and I am completely devastated. I got one daughter out of her this year, but had such beautiful plans for so many more. I am left picking up the pieces of shattered dreams and I have spent the better part of this week being mad at God for allowing this to happen and for feeling like He has turned a deaf ear to my agonizing prayers. In the last nine months with the goats I have dealt with: meningeal worm, brown recluse spider bite, a freak accident taking off a chunk of one goat's ear, and now this toxic mastitis. I can't handle this and feel like the world's biggest goat owner failure. I put all of myself into my farm: my time, my money, my energy. But it doesn't seem like it's enough.

Our pastor gave a very encouraging message this morning at church. I am trying to cling to the truth that God doesn't waste any hardship we go through. Everything we go through is to mature and complete us so that we lack nothing and are the holy people God desires us to be. I have been reminded this week of Proverbs 19:21: "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

The 2 week foster period is up for the rescue Maremma pup, and I have decided to officially adopt him! He has really come into his own the past few days and has been making a lot of progress. A few of the does have finally let him sniff them and he really enjoys spending time with them. His puppy self still comes out sometimes and he does need corrections occasionally, but the progress he has made in just these last few days has been remarkable. He is learning how to approach the goats without scaring them, and his favorite spot to sit when he is with them is next to their hay feeder. He learned (all by himself!) that if he faces the other direction, they will come over and eat and he can sit right next to them. One of the does (the youngest of the group & not the one I would think would do this) will bump him out of the way if he is overstepping his bounds. Sometimes he thinks that is an initiation of play, but I am teaching him that it means back up. I have found that he responds well to positive reinforcement; he is quick to pick up on what he is supposed to do if he is told he is doing something right. If he is doing something wrong, he needs to be redirected to what he should do in order for him to get it.

SO, what's his name?! Well, to understand his name, we need to go back to when my dog Shadow died this summer. My brothers were not home when he died, so when they arrived two days later, I took them down to the area when our dad and I buried him.

We were talking afterwards and they asked me when I would get another dog. I told them that it would not be for a while. One of my brothers told me, "You should name it Wowacintanka. That's the Lakota word for perseverance; 'to persist, to strive in spite of difficulty'."

That word resonated with me because after Shadow, that is exactly what I would be doing; striving despite the pain of losing him. To those that don't know about Shadow and me, we had a special bond. The kind of bond that comes around once in a lifetime, whether between two people or a person and an animal. We understood each other at the core of who we were better than anyone else could. Those that have had the privilege to have such a bond know what I am talking about. So it was just two days after the loss of my friend that I chose the name of his successor (whether a working or a pet dog) to be Wowacintanka (pronounced woah-wah-chin-tongah), nickname Tanka (tongah). This name has special meaning also because it happens to starts with a W. One thing I like to do is start the name of the next animal with the last letter of the previous animal's name, like their legacy lives on.

And when I know something is truly meant to be, there will be many little, seemingly unimportant, details that will fall into place. I had every intention to buy a Maremma pup this year, even though I was hesitant. I now know my hesitation was in preparation for a more perfect match to be made.

--Shadow passed away on July 12, 2013. Tanka was born July 16, 2013. A life ended, a life began, and that life waited until I was ready to accept it into mine.
--Wowacintanka is a word from the Lakota/Sioux Indians that used to inhabitant the Minnesota we call home.
--Tanka has lymes/anaplasmosis but is showing no symptoms, like he is persevering too. (Don't worry, even though he isn't showing symptoms, we are still giving him herbs/homeopathy to help him)
--The word wowacintanka also has this idea of coexisting with respect and peace. That is also what having a livestock guardian dog is about. Our goal is not to exterminate all predators from our area, but find a way to coexist with them.

With that I would like to introduce you to our newest farm member, Tanka! 
I am so grateful he has found his forever home with us!

Sometimes there are weeks that are just great. Well, this week was not one of them. It started off very exciting with the hatching of our first homegrown, naturally-incubated chicks, and pretty much went downhill from there. Here is my attempt to show that, despite all the happy posts I share about the wonders and joys of farm life, not all weeks are sunshine and roses. In fact, things are pretty imperfect around here this week. We are, after everything is said and done, human just like the rest of you.

The week started with the hatching of a few of the eggs that our Golden-laced Wyandotte hen was incubating. I was over the moon that it had been successful and we had our first LOSA-born chickens! Unfortunately, this week I had a very heavy workload off the farm, and was not able to be out to monitor them as frequently as I would have liked. Two chicks hatched, and a third was in the process of hatching. Yesterday I found one of the hatched chicks had died, the chick in the process of hatching had died before it fully hatched, and the remaining chick was not doing well. The mama hen was not interested in the remaining live chick very much. I did what I could for it before having to go off to work. I thought I could follow the hen's lead and let her incubate eggs when she felt up to it, but in the future I think it will be best to force her to wait until spring/summer. The hen was keeping them warm, I had a heat lamp on them, and had surrounded their area with hay bales to keep it warm. I don't know what the problem was, but at least waiting until spring would eliminate the weather issue.

My promising doe Azazel California Poppy has been having issues with growth, and I did not know her G6S status, so my mom and I drew blood to determine if she was G6S affected and that was causing her slow growth. Thankfully, she is not affected, but she is a carrier. Being a carrier does not affect her at all (having 'normal' goats is best though) but it means that, if I want to be a responsible breeder, I will have to test all of her kids and only offer for sale the 'normal' kids. My buck is G6S Normal by parentage and any future animals I buy will only be Normal so I don't have to continue doing G6S testing, as the test is NOT cheap. But, that means an additional expense each year for her offspring.

Then, there is the snow. AND the cold. We continue to see below zero cold spells that last up to a week. The animals are doing fine in it and I am able to keep my barn closed on extreme days. But, the animals are getting sick of it, and although I love winter, this year I am getting sick of it too. Why? Well, because of the extreme cold snaps, we have heard that the frost line is not 7' below ground (normal is 36").  That is all fine and dandy until your water hydrant freezes in your barn and you now have to cart 20 gallons, give or take, back and forth from the house to the barn 1-2 times/day. For the rest of the winter.

I saw the Maremma pup yesterday! So much to tell you I don't know where to start! Long story short, I will be bringing him home on Saturday; I'll be fostering for a few weeks and then make the official decision after that. The reason for that being because he was a little more energetic than I was expecting. I am sure that will mellow out after he gets away from the high energy shelter, but just to be sure. He did mellow out when it was just me and him though.
I spent almost 2 hours with him. We were told that when we were in the little room (in the pictures) he would not come near us at all. We spent probably 45 minutes in there just standing there not facing him or looking at him. Within a few minutes, he had already sniffed my brother. After that, he came over and sniffed my hand. I had the guy he trusts (pictured standing next to where pup is laying) give me some treats. Pup came over to sniff my hand again, but this time I had a goodie! He came back several times for more treats from my hand :) He did have a barking fit when my brother lifted his foot (he and the other guy were talking about the football punter who only had half a foot), but it was a sudden movement that might have scared him.

Next we went on a walk. The guy he trusts held onto him and we walked with him. He tried to go for my hand a few times, but it was the same hand that I gave him a treat from, so I think he was partly looking for something. It seemed more in play that anything else. Then we were walking and he gave the leash for me. We all walked together for a while, and then they stopped and it was just me and the pup he kind of wanted to go back to the guy he trusts, but was playful in walking with me and did come towards me when I bent down to his level.
Then we let him off leash into the play yard. He was running around a lot and then starting digging in the snow/eating it.
They told us he was good with cats (although we didn't see an interaction) and he is good with dogs (which will be nice when we add lgd #2). There was a dog leaving the shelter when we were outside. I was holding him while he was leashed and the dog passed by him maybe 2 feet away and he just stood there looking at him wagging his tail; didn't bark at him and didn't make any advances toward him.
About his lymes/anaplasmosis- no treatment has been started for it, because he is showing zero symptoms. The only reason he was tested for it was because he was from a farm and they test all dogs that come from farms. I am glad that his immune system is stronger than I thought it was going to be, and (since I have a natural farm) I'm glad he hasn't had any drugs to compromise that. I'll start natural treatment when he gets here.
He does have double dew claws, so maybe there is some GP somewhere, but I did read that some other lgd breeds can have double dews also??

His name will be revealed after the foster time is up.

Today marks the worst kind of day for this lifestyle...the day the meat birds get butchered. We didn't have the resources to do it ourselves this year, and truthfully, I don't think I could have done it even if we did.

So, we were able to take them to an Amish family who will do it for us.

I told myself from the beginning that these were destined for the dinner table, and I made every effort to not get attached. It worked until it was time to load them up and take them away.

I had cared for these guys for months. At least twice a day I was with them; feeding them, giving them water, making sure they are all okay, and towards the end, giving them produce scraps that they absolutely LOVED. I intentionally made every effort to not befriend them...to not sit with them like I do with my other animals, but what do you do when it is THEY that make an effort to befriend you? I think chickens are smarter than we give them credit for. When we came out of the house, they all ran to the fence hoping we'd have goodies for them. When I went to the barn, they would follow me down the fenceline.

How is it possible to not feel anything about little beings who revealed their personalities to you and followed you around like little puppies?

Well, it's not possible. At least not for me. Instead though, I do feel humbled, with a deep respect for the lives that we took. I honestly think there would be less meat consumption if people really thought about where meat comes from. That it comes from something that has a life, and emotions. When I start to sell meat to people, I have thought about having them come out and meat the animals that will provide their sustenance.

As I write this, our birds are being butchered. Their last night here I sat with them. And cried. And told them what was coming for them. And thanked them for what they would give to us.

July 12th, 2013 was the hardest day of my life. It was the day I had to say goodbye to my best friend, whether I was ready or not. It was the day I lost my sweet boy Shadow.

We had seen some signs that something wasn't right for a few months, but we attributed it to other changes in his life.
One week before his death, Shadow went downhill. It was time to go to the vet. He was diagnosed with advanced leukemia and there was nothing that could be done. My knowledge of alternative medicine didn't allow me to give up hope. We worked with his tired body for a week, but when God says it is your time, there is no fighting it. You just have to accept it. On the 12th, that is what Shadow and I did. That day I saw him struggling more than he had been the previous days, and I told him that it was okay to go; that I would be okay. At 4pm, heaven welcomed my little angel.

What made our relationship so special was that is wasn't between an owner and her pet. It was between two best friends. We knew each other at our very cores, and he understood me in a way not many people have an opportunity to be know in. I could fake emotions with everyone around me, but he always knew the truth. Always. He was constant in my life of chaos. He was calm to the storms in my life. He was my other half. Life doesn't feel complete anymore without him. There is an ache in my heart that won't go away. He is always on my mind. There will be no 'getting over Shadow' or 'moving on'. There will only be finding a new normal without my other half. My heart longs for the day I get to see my sweet boy again.